Goodbye

Today, this morning I was confronted by my own frustration.

I went to the office and in the closet was all my camping and fishing equipment; all brandy new, never used; purchased 5 years ago, to be part of a celebration, I was ahead of the cancer (the other cancer) and I was going to spend time doing what I loved.

The SWMBO’s folks got sick and I moved in with them to help, and they moved in with us, and then a couple of years later, they died, and we moved.  And the brandy new fishing and camping stuff, moved from closet to closet.

At present, I am not getting the better of the cancer, the treatments are ripe with side-effects, enough that they have suspened all treatments.

The SWMBO asked if I had given up.

Yes.  A brief word to any that may find themselves on either side of the conversation. To fight, do battle, with any adversary requires confrontation, and part of that confrontation, is evaluating your resources.

In the 9 months since my diagnosis (Multiple Myeloma), no cure, treatments for up to ten years to keep me alive; and not one call to see how I”m doing, no cards, no visits, and there has to be much sympathy for the SWMBO (who suffers so).

I know thaty I don’t write well, my woodworking is shit…let’s be honest, my writting, sucks and there is not enough time, effort, or support to improve. My hands and legs no longer cooperate and there is less and less time that I have to improve, yeah improve, never gonna happen.

Ther upshot of this is: Lesson 1.

If you are going to offer support, encouragement, even a hug (and that goes much further that you think); give it, and mean it.  Say you care, and mean it…or don’t say anything.

Empty promises do more damage than none made.

I titled this piece “Goodbye”, this is the last entry. I will not be doing myself any harm, just accepting that I am in this alone, this is a battle that I can not hope to win and I have reviewed my resources and I am charging forward, alone, and knowing that I will not survive.

When you face an adversary with more kills than anyone, no weapons, no comradres, just the enevitable end.

I gave up.

Love your friends, love yourselves, hold your family close, and be happy.

And again, goodbye.