The value of life does not depend upon the place we occupy. It depends upon the way we occupy that place. — St. Thérèse de Lisieux
That was the hardest thing I have ever done. Really scary.
If you have not seen my previous post…never mind.
Oh where of where do you go to find…not that is the ?
There are times in a life hen separating the voices in your head into a discernible dialogue is difficult at best; what with all the screaming going on, in your head.
A conversation with your priest, shrink, barman would be helpful.
All the priests I know would fear for the state of the Church if it became known that I had entered His house.
As for my shrink, she’s booked three months out, wants lots of money and in the end would throw pills at me or better yet, put the electrodes back to the temples and make me forget about it all.
If I could find a decent barman/woman, that was over the age of 16 and didn’t look at me strangely when I order, “Irish, neat”…”Yeah , how do you mix that…?” That’s me running screaming for the door (far better than reaching across the bar and strangling the pimp-faced twit).
Been too far gone from anything resembling home to find a friend.
I am left with the dim reflection of a lonely old man in the monitor of his laptop…and the old fool just will not smile.
peace out pilgrims
For those that have not noticed, I have been away. I was way down under, down under a large pile of covers. This served a dual purpose; I was wonderfully warm and cozy and with the covers pulled over my head I was invisible (well it seemed to work when I was three).,
I was dragged from my hiding place kicking and screaming; “Mom is expecting us for breakfast, get dressed, you can have your coffee on the way.”
“Mom”, is Marion (Wicked Witch of the West, one of the octogenarian couple and mother to the SWMBO), Marion is suffering with cancer and is at present going through the first of four cycles of chemotherapy; I have assisted with her in-home care.
“John (elder brother to the SWMBO and present care giver to “Mom”).wants to have a talk.”
Family conversations, at least those within the SWMBO’s family, are not on my top ten best things; actually sitting in on one thiumeir conversations is like being a very special corner of Hell.
Dad (John senior, male component of the octogenarian couple) was at the kitchen staring at his empty coffee cup and trying desperetly to reach through the fog of his dementia and remember what he was going to do with this thing in his hand. “Mom” was in her bed, sighing, afraid to get up, mentally reviewing her morning list of medications, “Cyndi”, she yelled down, “do I have any Imodium…I have to have Imodium, I’ve got diarrhea again. Where’s my orange juice, can’t take my pills without my orange juice.”
John (the elder brother)sat in the blue wing-back chair tucked in the far corner of the living room, his face concealed by the open book he held.
“How long has she had diarrhea, Johnnie?”
“Since Thursday.” He turned a page. “I’m leaving next Tuesday .” His head turned slightly to his right as moved his gaze to the next page, he paused briefly and again, turned the page.
“Mom, and you making it to the bathroom alone? Michael, make sure she’s cleaning herself. Michael’s going to get you down for doughnuts. When are you coming back ?” The SWMBO was definitely in the house.
Never revealing his face, “Don’t know.” Another page gone.
The SWMBO’s voice could be heard throughout the house, “John, come to the table for doughnuts.”
From his chair, eight feet away, “Don’t eat breakfast.”
“Are there any jelly doughnuts, I like jelly doughnuts.” Dad looked from box to box opened on the table.
“Dad, you’ve eaten three jelly doughnuts already,” I said, “can I get you more coffee?”
“Three, are you sure? They were really fresh. Three?…Are there any jelly doughnuts, I like jelly doughnuts…when they’re fresh. Are there any jelly doughnuts?”
On the ride home; “You’ll have to stay there through the week; I’ll come over on Saturdays and you can go home over the weekend. You’ll have be back Sunday afternoon. That should give you time to take care of our yard. I think you know that the only way this is going to work is if they move in…its the only way we will be able to spend any time together…its the only way they can save any money…its the only way…and when I’m home, I can help you with them. Oh, State Farm wants everyone in the Division to put in fourteen hours OT every month. If you were still working I would be happy to retire and help more.” The SWMBO was driving, nibbling on her fingernails, interrupted only by a need to adjust the temp control.
“…its the only way” was fading away as in my mind I pictured climbing under a large pile of blankets and once more becoming invisible.
Dear friends, with my new (insane) schedule and the duties involved, I will be restricted to writing one day a week. I promise to share my meditations from the weed garden and observations and conversations with warriors of the finest ilk.
The NW Oncology Group, here in Kennesaw (GA), provides chemotherapy treatments for 60-75 victims of cancer daily. Some, like Mom, once a week, others; every other week or so. There are no masques there, no casts, they face a common foe, and…and there are no tears.
There are smiles, gregarious outbursts of affection, it is never quiet and there is much laughter. I can not say I know the cause, I can only speculate at this point, but I hope to find out what it is that brings light and laughter into their lives and I promise I will share.
peace out, pilrims
Approaching mid night
of long shadows
with the darkest blue
stars and planets
shards of glass
the fabric of night
The songs of
in late spring
breezes in the pines
the owls screaching out
spreading fear in the
coyotes calling out
to the moon
crickets and frogs
The Duchess and me
return to the chill
of the house
close the door
and shut out the
“Michael, you are going to have to look after Mom and Dad. Gather your things.” The SWMBO said in her most endearing voice.
She was referring to the ‘Octogenarians’; the Wicked Witch of the West (Mario) and he who does not/cannot/will not listen (John).
“Yes, dear. How long will I be staying…just to be sure how many of “my things” I will need to gather?” I said over my shoulder as I made some futile adjustments to my clock. It is a two hundred year old case, mostly, with a great number of original workings; the balance found on “Stealitback.com” and canabalised parts from more contemporary clocks. It runs 2 minutes, 38 seconds slow in any given 24 hour period; as close as I will ever get.
Between 2100 and 2130 every night I Wind the clock and the chimes and set it just short of 3 minutes fast, every night that I’m home. “How long do you think I’ll be there?” I said a bit louder.
“Johnnie will be coming down to help out after his trip to Hawaii, he is going to need to get his things together; close the house, take care of his mail, visit the cousins…oh six to eight weeks.”
“They are your parents; you, John, and Chris…is Chris coming down to ‘help out’?”
“Johnnie’s doing all he can, Chris is just too busy and you know I have to hold down my department. And you, you’re not doing anything…you’re retired.” The SWMBO walked from the kitchen to the living room, TV remote in her hand, “Pack for a week, I’ll relieve you after that.”
“Gotcha. Hon, please remember to wind the clock.”
Nine days later I received a rare call from the SWMBO, it was 1000, “Yes, luv?” With the SWMBO it was always best to ask what she wanted first; the conversation was going to get there soon enough.
“I’m having a miserable day, everyone knows how hard it is on me, Mom having cancer, and with the chemo side effects, everyone thinks I should be with her. Well, at least I’ll beat the traffic. Make sure you have finished their back yard.”
“Its been three years since a self respecting rake would be caught dead in that forest. How do you expect me to have it cleaned up. Did you forget I’m feeding your mother and father, arguing with both about any PT and carrying her up the stairs to bed. You do know that she can walk up stairs perfectly well and all of this is just to torment me, don’t you?”
“Whatever, I’ll be there soon”
Not long after the garage door open, I was certain it was to the sound of trumpets sounding.
“Hello, Mom. How are you doing?” The SWMBO yelled out to the living room not looking for a response; from the corner of the couch a small, frail looking figure with very thin silver hair mumbled…something.
“I was going to talk to him about that right now, don’t worry.” The SWMBO’s superhuman powers were astonishing (and not a trifle scary).
“I know you wanted to take your little fishing trip, after the chemo and all…”
“That won’t be for three or four months and I am taking “my little fishing trip”…and?”
“We’ve talked about that, and you’re spasms…you need to use your cane so much now…and your voice…well we, Mom, Johnnie and I feel you would not be safe, wading in streams, you could fall…and…and drown; we really can’t let you do that.
“Oh when you get to the house, the lawn is a mess; take care of that, walk Duchess and QVC has a Quacker Factory program at 6:00pm, I’ll need to be home for that.”
“Gotcha, back in five hours.”
“Oh, Michael, Johnnie’s been delayed another week. Love ya.”
The garage door at the house squeaked a bit, I’ll need to lubricate that. I walked through the door from the garage into the living room, my 18 year old puppy, the cats Poe and Callie were all asleep on the couch; Alix would be stretched out to capture the sliver of sunlight that escaped the blinds in the office at this hour.
The house was quiet, save Callie’s snore and the silence was ripping a hole in an already injured heart.
There was no ticking as the pendulum would have swung, back and forth; the dark wall clock, with the two hundred year old case, mostly, was quiet.
The clock hadn’t been wound.
I took the ten minutes to properly set the time, wound the clock, set the pendulum in motion. I watched the slow movements of the hands now set almost three minutes ahead. Content that the world was right again, I shut and locked the case.
“Duchess, baby” I said as I scratched her ears and kissed her head, “Let’s go for a walk and I’ll leave the leash on so you’re not committed to chasing the rabbits. And then treats…before I mow the lawn.
peace out, pilgrims