Black Label Warning
Most of my fears have been unpleasant expectations of every day events and/or chance encounters with snakes and automobile crashes.
I don’t know when I first imagined the unpleasant aspects of my life, most of it I think. Its a unique form of depression, Bi Polar II, extremely dark depression leading to hallucinations and periodic loss of memory. This created several problems growing up, opening your closet door and finding dozens of snakes. The biggest problem with the snakes was deciding how I was going to deal with the situation; if it was in my head I was fine, I try not to scream as I reached for my shoes, but then again you didn’t know how my sisters liked to torment me. It was a coin toss.
I lived in fear, fear breeds anger and anger, anger turns to rage.
What I feared most was me. I divorced my wife and in time ran away, leaving behind my five year old son.
Four times hospitalized for suicide attempts, I never really got the right help then. When asked what I had done for such and such time, I looked at my scars and told a story that seemed to fit, I really didn’t know. I didn’t know where my son was, if he was well, what he needed. The only thing I knew was he didn’t need a father like me.
I knew nothing and what I thought I did know…was wrong.
Jamie (he prefers James, but this is my blog) found me just before his thirtieth birthday. For twelve years we have tried to establish a working relationship; but he still is not comfortable with any address: Michael, Mr. Moore have been used, never Dad. As a joke I suggested, “Hey, my biological father.” He didn’t laugh.
Now, I am confronting my worst fear, Jamie is feeling all the pain, the rejection that was his life for twenty-five years. I don’t know if he “hates” me…he sure doesn’t want to hear from me.
The SWMBO resents his attitude, thinks he’s a jerk…she’s wrong; he’s just hurt and I’m the one that hurt him.
It’s difficult to admit that until he was thirty years old, the only real connection we had was I happened to be in the room when he was conceived.
Being crazy has its price, exacted on everyone close to you, it demands love, understanding and faith in ungodly quantities and not everyone is willing to give that much. I have proved myself to not be a really nice guy, don’t you know.
I’m working on forgiving myself and I apologize for the rant ut sometimes you just have to talk it out. Thanks.